Here’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time: pizza reviews. Why me? Apparently because the world has gone to hell in a handbasket. I was watching the Food network this weekend and they had some sort of national pizza championship, and for starters, it was just wrong!
50% of the points awarded were for pizza dough acrobatics set to music. That’s just wrong… for a pizza contest 100% of the points should be for taste. I suppose you could perhaps have 95/5 taste/appearance, but nothing else matters.
The second thing that was wrong was that California won. For starters, I’ve had good pizzas in California – state of origin is not an issue, but this thing was just an abomination. It started OK, with crust that didn’t look bad, sauce and even cheese – then things went awry.
The chef stated that he went with an all-vegetarian pizza, in case the judges wanted a vegetarian experience. Pizza judges must never be vegetarians, neither can they be lactose intolerant nor allergic to tomatos or wheat.
In this case, California went with an all-mushroom pizza. Personally, I can’t stand the little things, but I understand some people do like them. When finished, the pizza was drizzled with some form of distilled salad dressing. It should have been laughed off the stage, but it wasn’t, it won first place. Sacriledge!
I’ve long held that the new California pizza cuisine is designed for people who don’t like pizza and this was a classic example.
In any case, my pizza reviews will be a little more scientific, all pizzas tested (unless otherwise noted under extenuating circumstances) will be traditional, crust, tomatoe sauce, cheese (mozarella or a mozarella blend) and any combination of the following toppings:
- peperoni
- sausage
We will not review Thai Chicken with Goat Cheese and Rat Droppings, nor any other combination of crap that seems to be the rage these days.
Unless otherwise noted, the pizzas will be fresh, not re-heated, nor delivered. They will be served and eaten at the restaurant. I’ve got a couple other pizza reviewers in the wings who will also follow the same criteria.
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